Relationships can be nourishing, enriching and make you feel happy. Relationships with other people often leave their mark, injuries, pain and sometimes trauma.

It makes sense to be able to set boundaries and learn to take care of yourself and heal.

Not wrong, but still a bit of a cheap tip. Because: what does that really mean? And: how do you "make it work"? Because not every relationship (private or business) wants to or can be ended or cut off. Changing doesn't sound feasible or promising either ...

And please: how does a relationship heal and sustain itself?

In relationships, whether they are "intimate", private, loose, superficial or business relationships, we are confronted with ourselves.

You read that right: We are confronted with ourselves. As Martin Buber said, "Man becomes the self through the Thou".

I suggest you move away from the common understanding of relationship. Relationship as a form of shared existence - that's not what it's about for me. For me, it's about the quality of being with someone. I understand a relationship as two people who interact directly in some way. Regardless of whether this involves business life, a circle of friends or an intimate partnership.

In this interaction, I (consciously or unconsciously) "reveal" something of myself, which my counterpart (consciously or unconsciously) receives and thus (due to their own history, patterns and imprints, current state, etc., also mostly unconsciously) does something and (consciously or unconsciously) gives something back.

For example: I say "hey, it's great that you're here" and my counterpart frowns and leans backwards a little.

If the "backing away" and "being averse" (both of which are my judgments and no longer what is observable) keep me without the clarity of what really happened, and I go further with it, I will react to "my own movie". And no longer to my counterpart. The relationship is already over, because I am then no longer referring to "you", but to "me" (my own movie).

Since my counterpart is not myself, I have learned, it is only very rarely and by chance that what I think should have come back from the other person ...

If I am now "hit" by a reaction from my counterpart that has an "unpleasant" effect on me, I can learn something about myself. Because there is something "restless" inside me. If similar situations repeatedly trigger similar things in me, then I can find out and learn a lot about my patterns, imprints, traumas, beliefs, etc. I can also accept this and change it. I can also accept this and change it. And lo and behold: it no longer affects me in the same way and I can regulate myself at the moment, i.e. get myself back on track. It's important to note that this has nothing to do with joyful or positive thinking, nor with affirmations or other "lifestyle" or "positive vibes only" work. This is work on myself - often hard, arduous, painful and ultimately sustainably liberating and enriching. Or even healing and sustaining. Because I heal myself and I carry myself through all kinds of relationships!

A second aspect that I think is important is to make it clear that no expectation or request is being made of the other person here. It's all about me. Many seminar participants find this difficult at first, because I can finally stand up for myself and ask my counterpart. For example: "When you speak so loudly and forcefully, I cringe and revert to my little child self, who is afraid. Please take me seriously and speak to me at a low volume and in the tone of a normal conversation."

Quite apart from the fact that the request is neither concrete nor can it be fulfilled now (but is valid for all eternity, regardless of how the other person is feeling and may want to cry for help), the basic principle of self-efficacy and self-empowerment is violated. There is still a demand from the outside to be seen.

I still place my fate in the hands of the other person. Here too, I am no longer in a relationship, but completely with myself and my demands.

Now you can tone it down and relativize it in the sense of "... that you are aware that it has an influence on me and if it is possible for you to ... pay attention to it ... how are you doing with it?" ... Doesn't make it any better.

The key is still the same: How do I deal with what comes to me at the moment?

If I can then express that, self-empowered, wonderful. When I realize that this is a recurring pattern, I can do my processes. Wonderful.

Then this relationship also helped me to heal and carry myself.

The self-responsibility to look at myself and accept my own reactions as my own reactions (and to stop blaming others for my reactions) has an immense impact on relationships! The calm power provides trust and emotional security, allowing my counterpart to become free and open. People tell me this again and again when they experience this way of being. In turn, it gives me a greater closeness and clarity, a directness and therefore simplicity. These effects on both sides of the relationship make the relationship (regardless of the form it takes) more sustainable and less prone to misunderstandings and conflicts. This multiplies the healing and support in the relationship.

You can learn.

With us!